I have suffered so much loss – incredible loss. Heart aching, breaking loss – more than I ever talk about, more than I can express through action or words, and long before my Dad died.
But he did die, recently, on the exact same day my Grandpa died – one year apart, so I have lost the men of my life. There really haven’t been any other, and in a way, I haven’t allowed for anyone else because those I did allow betrayed me – all when I was very young.
And now I’m 30 – a significant age, an age I’m happy to be, and I’m in a time of my life that I’m happy to be in, but it all feels strange because I’m without a Father, and grandfather, and I know in my heart my childhood drifted away amongst all my adventures.
And I’m not unhappy, nor happy. I just am here, navigating this new phase of my life with all of it’s uncertainty. I truly have no idea what’s ahead.
And I can’t run away because I don’t want to, but I am consistently seduced, tempted by the thought of changing locations, of endless travels in endless cities where everything is an adventure and nothing means anything with the quiet hope that somehow, somewhere I will find that unknowable something that will allow me to know here it is, my final stop.
But stopping is a choice, as is living, as is not letting the undertow of grief sweep you away and allowing the happiness to continue on.
As is never letting life beat you, as is never letting shame overtake, as is forgiving yourself for the missteps and haps that occur along the way.
As is the journey continues on, even while stopped because roots need stillness, nourishment, need actual planting to grow.
So I will try and trust this moment, that is what I tell myself everyday, let’s stay here, and trust that it will grow.
And trust that I don’t have to know everything, know what’s next, that I am strong and capable, well-traveled, ready and experienced; that I can make life what I want it to be even while stopped, even in grief, even in the shadows of happiness that dance across the moments where I let it in.
In fear, in pain, in joy, in sadness, in rage, in desire, in frustration, in love it’s all there all the time, this spinning wheel of uncertainty and in the living we create, and in the loss we evolve, so here I am, in this moment, uncertain, sad, joyful, wanting, hopeful and angry that life isn’t always what we want it to be; that love is not always waiting; that expression isn’t always possible and that acceptance, choice and change is all that’s left.