Life can look like an unspooled thread all in knots at your feet, and your whole self becomes consumed looking at the ground. I know this because there have been times when this has happened to me; when I’ve been stuck in my own unraveling.
After my last break-up I was stuck up in my own knots, and for the first time ever was presented with the desire to just give up and sink down into my own mess.
It wasn’t the loss of this particular boy; I had lost worst, and it wasn’t the fact that we had just moved in together, though that was inconvenient; it was that this wasn’t the first time that things had fallen apart.
They fell apart so entirely because of the apartment, and the dreamed future, but also my career was entwined with “us” too. I was barely getting by on freelance writing and a part-time job, which was fine if we were spiltting the bills – not otherwise.
Crying in the bathroom at my part-time job I seriously doubted my ability to start all the way over again; to have to harness all that energy up within me and launch myself out into the world, “wasn’t twice enough?”
However, I didn’t have a choice, and so I found solace in what always saves me, my love of reading.
Normally I always escape into the world of fiction, or some autobiography about a person who overcame a challenge far worse than mine, for perspective, but since I had evolved into being a Yogi I turned to Pema Chodron’s ‘When Things Fall Apart.’
That book began to set me straight, and I recommend it to anyone who feels like they’re standing in their own self-created destruction, wondering why it all happened, feeling that there’s nothing left to grip onto; that to put yourself back together one more time is just too much, it’s not.
Pema writes, “I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us…It was all about letting go of everything. p.7”
I repeated that sentence to myself, and instead of cursing the situation I began to see that it occurred because it was time to break the cage that I had placed myself in; time to set off without another and discover what was there for me on my own.
After two remakings it had been healing to insulate myself in another, a person who was kind and didn’t present much of a challenge, but life held more for me, it wasn’t going to let me settle into something comfortable, and I had to reach into what could not be touched by destruction within me; that spirit, that spark we all have; the one that makes hope happen.
And so because I cannot say it better myself, I’d like to leave you with Pema’s words, “We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy)”