Welcoming the Spring

22 Mar

Spring, for me, has always brought new beginnings, and Saint Patrick’s Day is the holiday that leads us into this season of awakening.  I think that’s kind of funny; that the holiday of debauchery comes right before the blossoming.

This past Saturday I canceled my plans and reflected.  As I sat journaling, I realized that Saint Patrick’s Day is very symbolic of where I am at my life.  Starting at 21, I went through the years.

At the beginning I was having that final fight with that first love, while on Spring Break in Miami.  I ended the day kissing some boy I never talked to again, but at least he had, “50 Gs in the bank.”

22 brought the aftermath of college graduation and boy number 2.

23 was a sober affair that began at 11:00 a.m. in Chicago’s Wrigleyville, hurrying to meet up with my best childhood friend.  We went through the city, neighborhood after neighborhood, meeting up and losing friends along the way.  The evening ended at 3:00 a.m. with one girl sitting in the sink in some bar after being kicked out of another because she punched some girl she didn’t remember.

24 brought a new career and city; it brought unhappiness followed by an evening of work with the knowledge that a 2008 layoff was looming before me.  That’s how that month ended.

25 gifted boy number 3; the man that inspired me to sell my belongings, pack my bags and start a new life, or at least apartment together.  April brought our break-up.

At 26 I was in New York with a new job in an executive suite celebrating learning, or at least books.   For four days I awoke in a king-sized bed, bathed in a spa bath tub and wondered at the black marble.   I knew then that I had done something right.

Now, at 27, I sat home reflecting, guessing at my future and congratulating myself for becoming a person who can sit with herself; however, that was before spring had actually arrived.

This new season has already smacked me in the face – Saturday’s reflection equaled Tuesday’s awakening.

Sometimes out of nowhere someone illuminates how you’re being.  We’ve all had this experience – whether we’ve realized it or not.  Happily chugging along not even knowing you’re still in the dark and then suddenly you’re hit with a blinding beam.  After you blink everything comes into focus.

This has happened a few times in my life, and I had thought that I had evolved past all that.

That’s another danger, thinking “oh I’ve grown, I’ve done Yoga, I’m so self-aware.”  The truth is none of us are.

There’s this unknown self that others see and we subconsciously communicate.  It’s shaped by our experience and perception.  It’s shaped by how we see our relationship to life and other people.  Often it’s not formed by who we really are but how others react to us.

This has felt oddly shocking to me.  Out of nowhere a person awakens me to my subconscious self and I handle this poorly?  Haven’t I had “real” problems?  Haven’t I grown enough in this way?

Clearly the answer is no.  To think I was done self-awakening was terribly naïve; to think that I was done discovering things I disliked about myself was exactly the same.

At first I denied and argued against the assertion.  Then I cried, again and again.

Tonight, after a glass of wine, I talked about it with a dear friend and realized what I already knew; that’s its ok; that my journey is not done and (unfortunately) this will probably happen a few more times in my life, though I should be grateful it happens at all.

The truth ever-so-painful is still the truth, your truth; that real self that leads you toward the person that’s always there waiting for you if you’re brave enough to grasp at it.  My friend told me, “the truth can be ugly but only for a moment,” and that’s true too.

So spring has sprung and I’m growing with it, reaching toward the light; toward the person that I am and am going to be.

The very least I can do is wipe away my tears (because what am I nourishing?) and stop judging (for this is who I am) and embrace this new season in my life – embrace the bloom.

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