How Life Can Seem

4 Apr

Lately everything seems sinister to me – a sort of pretty on the outside kind of feeling. There is an unseen, foreboding mist that covers me completely. At night I try to sleep, but I leave my light on because I fear the grey, gnarled being standing in my room again; waiting to take me.

I look at signs and see empty slogans, propelling people against an “idea deficit,” using trendy, economical terms that have now become a part of the daily noise we constantly hear over and over again in various forms.

It reminds me how words like, “vanguard,” “axis of evil,” even “ally” don’t really mean anything anymore; taking our fears and reshaping them so we can find the courage to do yet another stock phrase, “move forward.”

Today on the bus two Asian ladies sat behind me chattering in their loud, clipped language. One woman kept throwing out her sentences in one long breath, and punctuated her phrasing with a deep inhale like she was constantly gulping for air. It fueled my own feelings of anxiety – how none of us can stop for a moment and take a deep breath; how we’re all treading water with constant communication.

It makes me feel like it’s time to leave this city.

I stand again at the bus stop and watch the dirty, old cardboard boxes be blown into the street and the bus stops right before them. While a nervous, frayed man asks my permission to sit on the bus bench; like he already knows his very presence disgusts me.

I am tired of the advertisements, questions and tasks. I am tired of sleeping with my light on for fear of nightmares. I am tired of staying awake until my eyes start water because I myself am too afraid of the thoughts that will come before complete exhaustion.

The postcards of my city are so shining, luminous against a backdrop of natural beauty, but beneath the silver frothing that can be scratched away is a losing number. It is in the air, though of not just my city, but my country and we fling criticisms at one another to distract us from ourselves.

It doesn’t seem better elsewhere; elsewhere is a place that we all secretly want to go but I know it’s just the same. I think, maybe, this just happens in life sometimes; that all the structures start to look phony when one really thinks about it, and we are just distracting ourselves from the truth, which is we don’t really know how to live.

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One Response to “How Life Can Seem”

  1. hr April 4, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence. ALWAYS!

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