Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal

11 Apr

“I have noticed that doing the sensible thing is only a good idea when the decision is quite small.  For the life-changing things, you must risk it.

And here is the shock – when you risk it…leaving behind you all the familar smells and lights, then you do not experience great joy and huge energy.  You are unhappy.  Things get worse.

It is a time of mourning.  Loss.  Fear.  We bullet ourselves through with questions.  And then we feel shot and wounded. And then all the cowards come out and say, ‘See I told you so.’

In fact, they told you nothing.” Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal

Often I dive straight into the heart of my decisions, leaving wreckage behind me.   Sometimes its a room full of furniture, or a pile of clothes I don’t want anymore, or a never-to-be-returned key to an apartment or an unfinished story with a certain someone where I don’t care to even see how it ends.

Pieces of me sit in many different apartments all the way from the heart of our country to our very West Coast.

I leap, I run and while I do look back, I don’t want to stop.  I am too afraid that a thing will ask me to stay, and I have a terrible time saying no, but more importantly, I myself want to stay.  I want to explain to others, get their approval.  I want their understanding.  I want to take the contents of my very self and spill them out onto the table and say, “see that’s why.”

Because when I get asked something I want to have an answer, but how can you explain what you feel with no fact; what you know you must do.   How going forth makes you so afraid; that you hate living this way, but you cannot live with the alternative – that is somehow worse.

I go forth into the unknown.   I have before and I will again, though I have been shot through with the left familiar.  What  I’ve learned is that you cannot tear yourself open for others.  They won’t put you back together.  Only you can do that for yourself and usually in some unknown territory, usually through loss of blood.  Other peoples Shoulds will never let you live.


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