Archive | July, 2013

(Eye)solation

23 Jul

sometimes I sink into isolation of person to person-

marked by loudspeakers and rails of NNNs floating by

pleasant place at a pleasant pace (and I told him I didn’t

want to stay), but I had to listen to the sounds outside

below the window I never left (below, outside and places where

I stopped being) because I needed (eye)solation to restart the

the days unlived – because I wanted to feel my

fingers reaching for something, reaching for

the unreachable within my self-

because it was Here where I lost everything –

lost within touch taste and smell

lost within the infinite self that lived all

my lives unlived

 

This Post Is For You In Gratitude

12 Jul

To my Yogis, and you’re mine because we are part of all of us,

I had this need to express my gratitude to all of you because you truly made this birthday so special, and that specialness was such an unexpected gift to receive.

Before Yoga school, I wasn’t really looking forward to my birthday.  The only two people I really cared about celebrating with was my roommates, and when one told me she was going to Berlin the day of I thought, “oh, well whatever.”

Whatever is such an interesting word that we all use so much.  To me, it’s a Band-Aid that covers the wound of how we really feel and at that moment I felt anger.  While the news was minor, the timing hurt.

I was uncertain if I could even attend Yoga school because my Dad had just had multiple strokes, kidney failure and was teetering on the edge of life or death.  In addition, my Grandma had been diagnosed with lung cancer and my Grandpa was not doing so well.

Work began to fall apart because I was so disengaged, and I ended up taking a leave of absence and flying back to Chicago, not knowing the direction my life was going to take.

Before all that happened I’d been riding on high, full of feeling that now was my time to take my life in a direction that I actually wanted to go.

It felt cruel to have so much happen at once.  Not only because I love my family, but because it seemed to be aligned with one of my life patterns; unexpected shattering of foundations I want to stand on, of houses I want to live in, leaving me with the task of reassembling the shards.

Though, when looking back, I think life presented me with this challenge because it was the one final step I had to take within myself, the last decision, “do I move forward with what’s right for me or do I allow myself to get tossed up in the waves?”

The Gita presented Arjun with this same challenge; it’s the question we all begin with, the question of how we want to live.

While walking away from my Dad’s hospital room felt wrong, my heart felt lighter because it knew that I was not only doing what was right for me, but for them as well.  Love is not ignited at the altar of dream’s sacrifice.

I share this story with you because that’s what was going on with me when I entered the training the first day; that was what I was bringing to my mat.

Every single one of you was part of creating a community that nourished the rightness of following what seems wrong; what seems to defy logic, living by your intuition.

To be celebrated by all of you, even with just a hug, was so touching.  I know that I will carry this with me, and when I have doubts I will return to image of all of us sitting in a circle, being in the moment and appreciating who we all are.

So thank you, it’s been an honor to begin a new year in community with all of you.

Namaste, Samantha